Finding my purpose...

I have always believed that we have a purpose in life. There is a purpose for the relationships we form, the challenges we face, the load we bare, the road we take etc…
I have mentioned that I am in search of my purpose in all this. It has definitely taken me some time. Not that I don’t think I have made a small difference in some way… or at least I hope I have. But I know I have more in me.

Most of you don’t know that I have been “a professional volunteer” (that’s what I call it) for the last 7 years. After I had my kids; that was my purpose. MOST of my volunteer efforts are school related. Of course I did the typical stuff… home room mom, copy team, tutor, class helper, guest reader, event volunteer (bla, bla, bla). These are things I will always do as long as I am able, but I have done a lot of bigger jobs as well.

I started out as a VP of the PPC(pre-school parent club), I spent two years in this position. My job was to fund raise… My proudest accomplishment was creating the 1st edition of the schools cookbook. It was “my baby”. This cookbook was pretty cool. It included favorite family recipes from the entire school(pre-k to 8th grade). It was well received… heck, there’s some tasty stuff in there!

Then one of my best friends was the president of the PTA at the elementary school my kids go to. Knowing Leighanna was heading there for kindergarten the upcoming year and also having seen the “sucker” sign on my forehead… she invites me to a board meeting.
Next thing you know… I was being elected the incoming executive committee secretary 4 months before Leighanna even started school. To this day, I am the ONLY parent to serve as an executive officer without already having a student at the school beforehand. That summer I was put right to work ~ seriously!! But it was good and I enjoyed every minute of it. I learned that my last experience was small potatoes compared to this one. This PTA brings in an average of $150,000 per year… they don’t make that off cookbooks! So here I am in a position that is not in my area of ability(remember, I am a math girl; secretary= my enemies: english, spelling and punctuation). OH SHIT!! I spent one year in this position… where I learned the ins and outs of Microsoft Publisher(I was over the newsletter). I was pretty proud of that… and now I LOVE MS PUBLISHER!


When election time came around again… I simply asked the outgoing treasurer… “well how hard is it?”. (OOPS!) That spring I was elected. I spent two years as treasurer (you can only serve two consecutive terms as an elected officer… PTA rules). I learned how to maneuver Microsoft Excel, Quicken and keep budgets with income and expense categories for SEVERAL separate working committees. I am now an experienced book keeper.


The end of my second term as treasurer was coming and the search was on for five new executive officers to head up the next years executive board. I was being approached for president. Oh, HECK NO! That is one job I did not want. I can’t baby people who are yelling at ME for THEIR mistake. I would have told them where to shove the uniforms that THEY forgot to pick up. Just saying!


So I made a deal with someone… “you take president and I will be your 1st VP”. BAHAHAHAHA! I should have taken the president position. This job was a pain in the ass!! There were literally nights that I never slept… this was BEFORE D(right before D actually). Justin was dx’d a month after our auction. The auction is the main event the 1st vp is in charge of. There are others such as: uniforms, yearbook, falcon festival, 5th grade events, dinner nights ect..., but all those have committee chairs and the vp "oversee's and helps when needed. Obviously, 1st vp is the vice president over ways and means… aka fundraising.
The auction is a lot of work. It is held at the Palmetto Club in my neighborhood. It includes both a silent and live auction for up to 400 guests. I spent that entire summer planning, organizing, letter writing, seeking sponsors and just plain going crazy. ALL while closing up the treasury books and getting taxes and audits done so the new treasurer could take over. Luckily, I had some great help with getting donations and such. The event was a success and I was proud that I could pull it off. However, I wasn’t up for doing it again… especially now that D had entered our lives.

FishHawk Goes Hollywood... that was our theme.

At that point, I planned on taking a break. I had a lot going on. I was still in a fog. I was still devastated. I was still trying to adjust to life with D. BUT!! I ended up getting re-elected as treasurer… long story.



So that leads me to this week… Yesterday was my final audit and my last day as treasurer. This is a bitter sweet time for me. I did not seek election for office. I didn’t even chair a committee.

After 5 years...

I walked away.

It was a tough decision for me. I had planned on chairing 5th grade events for the next two years. But in the end I declined. I leave being the longest running executive officer our PTA has ever had... the next longest would be 3 years. I am still helping, of course, and have already been hard at work researching, calling, pricing for the chair(her name is LORA also... how funny is that?) Lora (the other one, not me) is great. She always has awesome idea's and I look forward to helping her this year.

But still...
In a weird way I am a little heavyhearted. It is hard to walk away from something you have given a lot to for five years. I know I needed a new path, but that does not mean I don’t miss the old one.


So where do I go from here and what does this have to do with my purpose in all this??? I still don’t know for certain, but…

On Tuesday, I attended a gala committee meeting… that’s right, the JDRF gala committee. Once again I find myself thinking I was dealing with small potatoes before. I am small in comparison to the others that were there… mind you, I was 1 of 7 attending besides the ladies that work for JDRF. These are business people who know PEOPLE!!! They are securing table sponsors in the amounts of 3, 5, 8, 10, 15 thousand and up. I don’t know those people… the presidents and CEO’s of companies don’t hang around non working PTA mom’s. Either way, I was welcomed and before I left… I let the JDRF ladies know that my role is going to be more of the worker bee. I can bring in baskets and basket items(I HOPE). I can make phone calls and write letters.
They were good with that… hey, the president’s, CEO’s and business executives attending will need stuff to buy right?


I don’t know if this is my purpose or not. Right now, I am feeling to pretty out of my league. But hopefully I will be able to contribute enough to make a difference.


Next up… I will help out with the walk in some way and I have inquired about becoming part of the support team(I think that’s what it is called) for newly dx'd families. We will see… my purpose it out there somewhere.


P.S. If you have any ideas for Gala stuff, let me know… I am going to need all the help I can get!!!!!! **YIKES!!**

A thought to ponder...

I read this post on the Dear Diabetes Facebook page the today: My son doesn't remember a life without type 1 diabetes as he was diagnosed as a baby. For those of you in the same situation, if there is ANYTHING good about having a child with diabetes, would you agree that it's easier to "grow up" with it, rather than developing it as a pre-teen/adolescent

I am sure most of us has pondered this thought in our heads. Or if nothing else... those of us with younger children have been told how "lucky" we are. I mean, if I had a REAL choice in the matter... I would say not at all. But if I only had a choice of age... hmm(?)

Here was my response: "Justin was 7(now 9), I am very lucky that he adjusted well(it took time). If it had to happen; would I have wanted him to be younger? Its hard to answer that, but I am thankful he was not older... I know there are exceptions, but my friends son was dx'd at 15 and has been in the hospital several times... she is in constant worry. Justin may still rebel... only time will give us that answer, but I think I have more of a chance of making it through the teen years because of him being young".


I truly am grateful that Justin was not any older than he was. We had a hard enough time making him understand his new life. At least at 7, I still had/have plenty of time to shape his future... by the teen years... they just do so much on their own it would be hard to keep up. At least that's the way I look at it.


There were several responses to this post... 21 I think. All ranging from one end of the d world to the other... mom's of babies, mom's of teens, moms of young adults, d peeps themselves and even a d mom who had 3 d kids (dx'd at 16months, 9yrs & 20yrs). She hit all 3 stages in one response.
One moms concern was that since her child was so young.... she would have better chance of complications as she has lived with it longer. I can't argue that concern... it's pretty valid.


So what do you think? What would your choice be?

Sigh...

I just got yelled at... well sorta. Because I chose to keep something to myself. Mostly to myself that is... I did tell my grandma. That always gets me in trouble... because she always tells someone :). It wasn't a secret or anything, I just chose to be in denial for a few days.
My denial wouldn't have lasted long... it couldn't. I just needed not to put it out there.

Soo, now that my denial bubble has been popped... here it is...
We had our well visits the other day. Justin was all excited to tell her about his new pump and his new CGM. Oddly, that makes me happy because he is usually so unsure... for some reason this pump has given him a little bit of confidence. He wants to show it off.

I had made the appointment a month or so ahead of time, but I was excited because it ended up getting me out of about 4 hours of yard work. This made me happy :)

During the appointment she asks all the standard questions... how is school, what kind of grades did you get etc... at one point or another Justin mentions that his "chest hurts sometimes" (???)

OH DEAR GOD!! (that was all that ran through my mind).

Justin is not one to mention things... he for sure never mentioned it to me. Dr. D asked him several questions... some repeating only in different words. Justin said that he has to "hold his chest like this (insert demonstration) when he runs a lot". Its been going on for "a long time" and "no, I have never told my mom".

WHY? Why has he not told me? Does he think(know) that I am on the verge of a mental breakdown?

Dr. D looks at me... she knows the look on my face. She apologized to me. She said that she tried to get him to give her the right answers, but he just didn't. Because of that, his diabetes, and the fact that I have a history of heart problems... she couldn't ignore it. So now we need to see a cardiologist. GREAT! One more doctor. One more knot in my stomach until all the testing is done... one more "crack in my vase". I just pray to God that its not going to be one more thing for him to deal with.

When does it end?

From the mouth of yours truly..

I've been feeling a little... um... blah lately. So I figured I would give it a good attempt to lighten the mood a smidge with another post of those silly things that MAY or MAY NOT slip out of my mouth.


- "PUMPKIN!! Grab the 4 wheelers... we can go mudding in the front yard".


-"Did that guy just have boobs?"



-"YOUR son is in the shower using his "business" as a gun".


-"Should I spread em?"


-"Have you ever seen my afro... it's not pretty".


-"Now all we need to do is throw a little rock down and we'll go all Sun-city on em".


-"I don't think banana laffy taffy's qualify as potassium".


-"it took me over 30 yrs to get this good at being sarcastic".


-"Just because I smile at you doesn't mean the thoughts in my mind aren't damaging".


-"Anything is possible with some duck tape and tie straps".

-"Ya know... this is one of those weeks when drinking all my diet coke is gonna get you beat down".

-"I am going to be nice today... it will be hard, but I will give it my best".

-"This is just about as pointless as a white crayon".

-"It took me a long time to loose my mind... what in the world would make you think that I would want a piece of yours"?

-"I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings that I wore in high school".

Until next time...

F-U-N-C-T-I-O-N...

After reading Meri's post about "staying out of the loony bin"; all kinds of thoughts started running through my mind. As I was finishing up what turned out to be the longest comment EVER... I decided to blog it instead.


There has probably been a few posts lately to credit this inspiration... Wendy talked about "steps" ... the time after your childs diagnoses where you go through all kinds of different stages.
These stages take years for a lot of us. And even when we think we are past one stage of the game and into the next... something happens to take us back a few paces. That seems to happen to me all the time.


We are 1 year and 8 1/2 months into playing the game. I would like to think I have accepted life as I now know it, but I don't think I can honestly say I have. I know I am not in denial... I never went through that stage because D never crossed my mind before the day he was diagnosed. When I found out... I went right into shock and stayed there for a heck of a long time, only peeking out for the occasional bout of anger. Like Wendy said... "I felt like time in MY world had stopped, but the rest of the world kept moving". I plead for someone to make me understand why. Why is this happening. What did I do wrong and why is he paying for it. I don't do that to much anymore... I've decided it's not for me to know why. So I have decided to search for my purpose in all this instead (more on that later).


I skipped around the steps a bit compared to Wendy... I am sure we all have our own order depending on how we rolled the dice and what chance card we happen to draw.

For me... the next to set in was grief and the feeling of being alone. I was numb, I felt alone in my own family- my own house even. I felt alone in my fears. This was my fog.


About ten months after Justin's diagnosis... a blog was born... I was in search of something to sink my head into. Originally I started a craft blog thinking that it would be my hiding spot. My break from my aching mind. Then I came across another D mom's blog... I THINK it was Jill's. It was then I decided that I had a whole lot more to say about my life dealing with diabetes than I did about a hobby. Don't get me wrong... I LOVE doing paper crafting, scrap booking, card making etc... but my mind was so consumed within the thick walls of my fog that I couldn't see through it for anything else anyways.


After a few posts... I started getting comments. Maybe because I was mustering up the strength to make comments on the blogs I started following. This is when the fog started to lift. The encouragement, understanding and support from others was more than I would have ever thought it to be. Eventually, it was clear enough for me to find the path and the strength to pull me out of my murky haze. I guess this is when I started to heal and feel connected. It's like I wasn't lost anymore with nowhere and no one to ask for directions.


So where am I now??


I would have to say I am in a combination of the stages... Robotic at times (more than I would like to be).

Still in search of my purpose and Just TRYING to function.

I am still heartbroken and scared. Fearful of his future and if he will wake up every morning to have one. We had 3(yes, THREE) juices in the middle of the night last night. Between midnight and 5am. Our lowest point... 41. *sigh* I don't even get scared at the 40's anymore... the scary part is that I won't wake up and I will miss a low one day. Because we all know to well that it only take ONE TIME to make our worst nightmare a reality.

Like Meri... I hope that I can live one day, I hope that I can find a way to relax and just be a mom...

I hope that I can find a way to really function.

D'com and Ninja...

AKA: DexCom and Ping ;)

That's right people... we now have goofy nicknames.


I was the one who wanted to name the CGM. Hey... all my bloggy friends were doing it!!
I mentioned D'com to Justin because I thought it had a Transformer sort of feel to it. As usual, he wanted options so I told him the names of some other Dexcom's out there. You know who you are Dex, Dexter & Dexie. He didn't want to use a name that someone else had (he gets that honest) so D'com it was.


It didn't take but a minute for Justin to get on board with the idea and QUICKLY decide that his pump needed a name too. After about 20 minutes of thought... he blurts out "Ninja". Apparently his focus skills were on a much higher level than mine because I really had no clue what he was talking about. At least one of us is still with it.


So there you have it... D'com and the Ninja in full force at our house. I look forward to writing about our adventures soon.

Happy Wednesday!!!

TO A NEW FRIEND...

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your recent comment; it is so nice to "meet" you. I am glad you came across my blog and I hope pumping is as wonderful for you as it is for me (wonderful once you get past the tweaking... so hang in there :)

If you have the chance... stop by a few of the other blogs on my list. There you will find some WONDERFUL ladies. These ladies are awesome and have become a big source of support and encouragement. I bet they will even leave a comment to say hello... because they are just that good!

I look forward to "seeing" you around more.

Justin's mom :)

Big stuff around here...

Big stuff going on around here... I feel like I need a theme song (hey, it works for Hallie ;).

First up... we are done with pump training (we finished early to boot).
We made our final pump setting adjustments today. I am not sure I get it but who am I to judge?

What don't I get???

Well, I don't understand how we see the obvious need for more adjustments, but not the need to follow up with how they work. I guess I just assumed we would continue to send in logs until there was no more adjusting. Confused am I?? Well... just a tad!

Either way... So now I don't need to check in between meals unless I suspect a low... that I won't complain about because we have been flying through test strips faster than the cup full of tokens at Chuck-E-Cheese the other day. I don't have to keep logs like a crazed math nut. Justin can have snacks again, I can correct if I need to... AND because I don't have to fax in logs by 1pm, then wait for the call that sometimes never comes... we can get out of this house!!! We are all going a bit stir crazy I am afraid :)


I know, I know... we could have left. But I am one of those people that has to get up early and get going... or I just don't bother. One of my many oddities I guess.


Movin on...


Sliding in second on my list...
WERE GETTING A CGM!!!!! YAHOO!!!!
feels like there might be a smidgen of sleep in my future :)
It arrives Wednesday... now all I need is a super cool name for it.
OH~ and more training... CRAP!


And last but certainly the funnest... I filled out an application for the Littlest Heroes Project
and it was accepted... YAHOO AGAIN!!!
Now I am in the process of looking through the photographers. I have it narrowed down to 8 in my area... I still have a lot of "narrowing down" to do.

Hope you all have a FABULOUS 4th of July weekend!!!
BE SAFE!

A lesson to learn...

To say it has been a long week would be an understatement. Maybe if I wasn't an endocrinologically challenged control freak... I wouldn't be exhausted right now :)

Today... we are on pump day 11. From the way things are going... site changes are glucose crashing monsters. Those have been the days with the most issue around here. That leads me to my mistake.

Yesterday, Justin had a birthday party to go to at my favorite place E.V.E.R (sarcasm inserted)!
Chuck-E-Cheese has made my head hurt before I even get there on many occasions. It's not the snotty nose little kids all touching the same games... it's not the tube system polluted with food that parents let their little darling take in there or the fact that if you walk in your white sox's... they will look like you just played in the dirt with them(oh wait- that IS what you did).
Aside from all that loveliness... MAN IS IT LOUD!!! I do not like chaos... never have! And it doesn't get much more chaotic than a birthday celebration in the mouse house.

Before I go... I prepare. Chuck-E is nice enough to list his nutritional value on his website. I made sure to write it all down ahead of time. AND the soda is easily accessible so I could fill Justin's party cup with some carb free diet.

Get to the point Lora...

Okay, so for the pizza I figure Justin would eat 2 pieces... they were not real big. So I go ahead and bolus for that thinking there would be play time in between pizza and cake... um NOPE!
The girl just dished out the cake like it was part of the meal. So in my unsure mind I decided to wait a bit to see what his BS would do before I bolus more. Besides, he has been running hard for almost 3 hours straight and his BS held pretty steady the whole time.

When it was over...(still no bolus for cake) the kids turn their tickets in to Mr. Munchy and we head over to the counter full of prize "stuff". Five hours later (not really, but it felt like it) we emerge with our trinkets and head home.

When we get home (2 hours after eating) I have Justin check his BS... 268. Okay, correction it is. I gave a little less than it said because it is night time.

Oh yeah, we also needed to do a site change... Magic cream + 45 min... easy!

Until... the bedtime check.
9:42pm - 53 + 18c
9:59pm - 64 (did I not wait long enough?)
10:22pm - 53 + 38c (pb&j with a little bit if juice to quick boost)
11:01pm - 133
3:00am - 74 + 15c
6:30am - 57 +15c
8:00am - 46

Dear lord what did I do???? Should I not have corrected at all??

What would you have done??