From the Mouth of Yours Truly...

After all the gloom... I though I needed to post a little fun :)

Welcome to another round of "from the mouth of yours truly". Here is a short little list of the things I may or may not have said lately...




-If you do it... you better hope you can out run me... just sayin.



-He still has all his teeth... so that a bonus.




-Is your brain actually listening to what your mouth is saying?




-At least when you're not tan you don't look like the guy from Powder.

- If I didn't love you so much I would spray you with this fucking water.


-Didn't you know? I've been diagnosed with awesomeness. But don't worry... its not contagious.


- I hear voices and they don't like you.


- I stopped to think and then I forgot to start again :/


- I am experiencing life at the rate of several WTF's a minute.


What's come out of your mouth lately??

THANKS...

JUST WANTED TO THANK EVERYONE FOR THEIR SWEET COMMENTS ON MY LAST POST. I AM FEELING A LITTLE BETTER AND I HAVE GOTTEN A LITTLE SLEEP (I TOOK A DAYTIME NAP OVER THE WEEKEND :0).

THE PURPOSE FOR THIS POST IS IN RESPONSE TO SOME OF THE COMMENTS. I LAUGHED THROUGH SOME OF THEM, CRIED THROUGH SOME OF THEM AND THEN SOME MADE ME THINK. OF COURSE, I CAN RELATE TO THEM ALL.

ONE OF MY BIGGEST PROBLEMS IS THAT I THOUGHT I WOULD BE IN A MUCH BETTER PLACE MORE THAN TWO YEARS AFTER JUSTIN'S DIAGNOSIS. BUT FOR SOME REASON OR ANOTHER... I HAVE FALLEN BACK INTO THE HOLE I THOUGHT I WAS IN SOME WAY CLIMBING OUT OF. THIS MAKES ME FEEL SLIGHTLY WEAK AND I DO NOT LIKE TO FEEL WEAK... NEVER HAVE.

I GUESS YOU COULD CALL IT A SET BACK. MAYBE EXHAUSTION OR SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED PUSHED ME BACK DOWN A BIT AND I JUST TAKE THE WHOLE THING WITH LESS GRACE THAN I WOULD LIKE OR THAT I AM USE TO.

I WOULDN'T CONSIDER MYSELF MAD AT ALL... JUST SAD(MAYBE THAT IN ITSELF IS A PROBLEM). PART OF ME FEELS LIKE I'M MISSING OUT. I MISS VOLUNTEERING, I MISS BEING INVOLVED AT MY KIDS SCHOOL AND I KNOW IN MY HEART THEY ARE SUFFERING FOR IT. I MISS BEING HOME WHEN THEY GET THERE. I MISS THE FOCUS I HAD ON THEM AND THEIR SCHOOL WORK(THEIR GRADES ARE PROOF OF THIS).

I KNOW I'M NOT ALONE. ANY GIVEN 3AM CHECK... THAT TURNS INTO A FACEBOOK STATUS AND GETS A RESPONSE IS PROOF OF THAT. 

BUT YA KNOW... ITS NOT JUST D. IT IS THE MANY THINGS THAT GO WITH IT- THE FINANCES, THE LACK OF SLEEP, THE PHYSICAL AND MENTAL EXHAUSTION(IS THERE A STRONGER WORD FOR EXHAUSTION? THAT'S WHERE I AM), ALL THE THINGS WE HAVE HAD TO GIVE UP BECAUSE OF D, THE PART WHERE I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE... UGH!

THE PROSPECT OF THE "LIGHT" AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL NOT BEING ATTAINABLE... KINDA PISSES ME OFF TOO. I WANT THE DAMN LIGHT PEOPLE!!!! SHOW ME THE LIGHT!!!!

I KNOW... I'M BABBLING. I DO A LOT OF THAT THESE DAYS TOO. PROBABLY BECAUSE I CAN'T KEEP A STRAIGHT THOUGHT FOR MORE THAN THIRTY SECONDS(IF THAT). YEAH, BETTER MAKE THAT TEN SECONDS.

I AM ALSO FAT, FRUMPY AND TIRED. THE STRIPPER SHOES WOULD BE AWESOME IF MY POOR FEET DIDN'T HAVE TO CARRY AROUND MY FAT ASS IN THEM.

WORST OF ALL... I FEEL LIKE I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY TO GIVE ENOUGH OF A SHIT TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT ABOUT ANY OF IT.

I AM TRYING... I PROMISE.

I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE... RIGHT?

I LOVE YOU ALL. THANK YOU AGAIN FOR YOUR SUPPORT, YOUR ENCOURAGEMENT, YOUR UNDERSTANDING AND YOUR PRAYERS.

ITS MY ONLY WAY THROUGH THIS...

A look inside my mind...

Warning! Not sure if you wanna look... just sayin!

 

I use to have the best mind.


I was witty. Sharp. With it. 


I did my best work under pressure. I could handle an overloaded plate like you wouldn't believe.


I had a stellar memory. "Elephant memory like your Grandma" some would say.


I had my shit together. I didn't miss a beat.


EVER!


But that has all changed in the last couple years.



I'm forgetful. I'm lost. I'm out of it.



I use to joke about loosing my marbles, but these days its not so much of a joke anymore. I can't decide if its getting better or worse.


I have tried so hard to find my way out of this... place, but I am starting to get scared that there is no way out. 


My mind is going through an internal war. My actions show I have checked out or shut down. I've given up on the person I use to be- the person I desperately miss.


Why am I bringing this up now?

Well, this morning, Anthony said "the last couple of months I come home and get lost in my own world(aka... I'm checking out). I'm not taking care of things".


He didn't say this to me mean... we were having a needed conversation(something we don't do anymore).



In my opinion- he is right and wrong. He's right in the sense that I have checked out of the inn. The kids, their homework, the house, myself(especially myself), him... they are all suffering for it.



He's wrong because it has been going on WAY longer than a couple months and I've known it. I just don't know how to fix it and I don't have the strength or the energy to try.


I have been trying to figure out why this is so much harder than anything else that I have dealt with. I've never had it... easy.



I think in the past, when things were "tough", I focused on the end in sight and I trucked along until then. These days... there is NO end in site.



So how do I find the light at the end of the tunnel when its not there?


How do I get enough of my old self back so that I can be proud of the person I am again?


I just don't know.

Wazzup Wednessday

You asked for it... another round of Wazzup Wednesday. I make no promises for this one... I don't have much to report.

-I am having issues... I keep calling the dog Justin. I think the real Justin is starting to get annoyed :\  (Oakley/Justin... close right?)

Worst part is... yesterday, Justin answered when I called the dog(???).




-I subbed in a 5th grade class yesterday. I kid you not... there was a girl in there that was every bit of 5'9-5'10.

I am not short people. I am of average tallness at 5'7 and I was looking up at this 5th grader. So today, I am sporting some stripper shoes to make me feel better.

Today, my friends, I am 5'9 1/2 :)


-Speaking of the class... I also had a T1 in there with me. Honestly, I had no clue until he came up to me right before lunch and said "I'm diabetic; I need to test my blood and go to the nurse".

I think my eyes lit up a bit. I told him my son was also diabetic and asked when he was dx'd. He said about 7 years ago when he was 4. Sweet kid, he seemed to have his shit together and was very nonchalant about it. All his supplies were in a shoebox sized bin on the teachers desk(which I also didn't notice btw).
 At first, I was agitated by the fact no one told me there was a T1 in the class. As a parent, I think that's a need to know fact. BUT, the other part of me was happy that it wasn't obvious. He blend. I would have had no idea had he not told me. It was a good feeling. Maybe the "need to know" depends on the kid in question.

I have hope that we will get there... Justin is only a year younger than he is. Maybe a year makes a huge difference in maturity and responsibility. At this point I am not sure if I could trust him enough to turn the responsibility over. Then again... I am a little OCD(or would that be considered controlling?).


-I woke up this morning to a pounding headache. I took my trusty concoction of Aleve Sinus and Headache along with a couple Excedrin tension and a Diet Coke.
 It's still pounding... not a good sign :(


-I'd like to tell you that I am all caught up on blogs(and the laundry), but I can't lie to you like that.  


-Don't forget to visit Chasity for this weeks Sugar Bolus at Forget the Chicken Nuggets... you can't play on the playground until you eat your fries!!!  


So that's all I've got. Not much, but I wont complain. That just means that things are quiet :)
(just don't tell the jinx gods I said that)

Happy Wednesday!!

Joining my friends...

I have some exciting news to share!!

Justin has joined several of his friends as a 2011 Ambassador and will stand along side Noah, The Diabetes Dude, to help raise awareness for Type 1 Diabetes.

To check out Justin's page... click HERE

We are very excited to be a part of this campaign and look forward to many great things to come in 2011.

The BEST part... is that we are in great company. We take on this adventure with some pretty amazing T1's and their Mama's.
You can check them out by clicking the links below...

Sweetpea from The Princess and the Pump
Lovebug from Sweet to the Soul
Super Nate from Houston We Have a Problem
Justice from Justice's Misbehaving Pancreas
Cara fom The We CARA Lot Blog
Sugar from Candy Hearts
Kacey from Diabetes Sweeties
And Ellie from Three Thirty Three

**I hope I didn't miss anyone. If I did... PLEASE let me know and I will add you on.

You can read all of the above stories by visiting the "Friends of DD" page on The Diabetes Dude website.

Where ya been girl...

Well, since I asked... let me tell you where I've been :)


I am so out of the loop. Justin has missed more school in the last few weeks than he has in the past three years combined. Including missing this entire week. DAMN FLU SHOT THAT DIDN'T STOP THE FRIGGIN FLU!!!!!


Make that STUPID DAMN FLU SHOT TIMES TWO!!!! Because now Leighanna has a fever.


We had fevers up to 103.5... low blood sugars... then high blood sugars. I have stacked insulin like nobodies biz-ness and still couldn't budge those 200's.

He's been hungry... CONSTANTLY! It figures that the Flu that runs through my house would make you want to eat. In that case... I'm sure to get it.

I have been out of the loop for a little over two weeks, but if feels like its been f.o.r.e.v.e.r.

During my hiatus... I dove it to a few good books.


DON'T LAUGH!!! But the roll my eyes, no thanks cuz I'm not interested in Vampires and Ware wolves girl turned overnight Twilight J.U.N.K.I.E has been away reading all.four.books.


Fuck yes people... I read Twilight in ONE DAY. That shit is addicting.


The fact that Justin was sick kinda helped because I laid there with him (to keep him company of course) and read while he watched T.V.


I am not exaggerating when I say... had it not been for a sick child, work, a birthday party, volunteering at school, a field trip, cooking lunch/dinner and etc... I would have had a four books read in 4 days. Because of all the above mentioned distractions... it took me eight :)



This all from a girl who has NEVER finished a book in her life.


YEP! I had all four books finished 8 days after I pick up the first.


I became lost, absorbed, engrossed in those books. I couldn't put them down.



THEN... would you believe that I re-read Breaking Dawn AGAIN this week while Justin held me hostage in the room.


SURE DID!!! And it was just as good the second time around.


I can't wait until the movie comes out. I know - I know... J.U.N.K.I.E!!


So that's my story. Sickness, birthday parties, field trips, work AND TWILIGHT!!!!!!!

You guys were right... the books are awesome :)