THE PURPOSE FOR THIS POST IS IN RESPONSE TO SOME OF THE COMMENTS. I LAUGHED THROUGH SOME OF THEM, CRIED THROUGH SOME OF THEM AND THEN SOME MADE ME THINK. OF COURSE, I CAN RELATE TO THEM ALL.
ONE OF MY BIGGEST PROBLEMS IS THAT I THOUGHT I WOULD BE IN A MUCH BETTER PLACE MORE THAN TWO YEARS AFTER JUSTIN'S DIAGNOSIS. BUT FOR SOME REASON OR ANOTHER... I HAVE FALLEN BACK INTO THE HOLE I THOUGHT I WAS IN SOME WAY CLIMBING OUT OF. THIS MAKES ME FEEL SLIGHTLY WEAK AND I DO NOT LIKE TO FEEL WEAK... NEVER HAVE.
I GUESS YOU COULD CALL IT A SET BACK. MAYBE EXHAUSTION OR SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED PUSHED ME BACK DOWN A BIT AND I JUST TAKE THE WHOLE THING WITH LESS GRACE THAN I WOULD LIKE OR THAT I AM USE TO.
I WOULDN'T CONSIDER MYSELF MAD AT ALL... JUST SAD(MAYBE THAT IN ITSELF IS A PROBLEM). PART OF ME FEELS LIKE I'M MISSING OUT. I MISS VOLUNTEERING, I MISS BEING INVOLVED AT MY KIDS SCHOOL AND I KNOW IN MY HEART THEY ARE SUFFERING FOR IT. I MISS BEING HOME WHEN THEY GET THERE. I MISS THE FOCUS I HAD ON THEM AND THEIR SCHOOL WORK(THEIR GRADES ARE PROOF OF THIS).
I KNOW I'M NOT ALONE. ANY GIVEN 3AM CHECK... THAT TURNS INTO A FACEBOOK STATUS AND GETS A RESPONSE IS PROOF OF THAT.
BUT YA KNOW... ITS NOT JUST D. IT IS THE MANY THINGS THAT GO WITH IT- THE FINANCES, THE LACK OF SLEEP, THE PHYSICAL AND MENTAL EXHAUSTION(IS THERE A STRONGER WORD FOR EXHAUSTION? THAT'S WHERE I AM), ALL THE THINGS WE HAVE HAD TO GIVE UP BECAUSE OF D, THE PART WHERE I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE... UGH!
THE PROSPECT OF THE "LIGHT" AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL NOT BEING ATTAINABLE... KINDA PISSES ME OFF TOO. I WANT THE DAMN LIGHT PEOPLE!!!! SHOW ME THE LIGHT!!!!
I KNOW... I'M BABBLING. I DO A LOT OF THAT THESE DAYS TOO. PROBABLY BECAUSE I CAN'T KEEP A STRAIGHT THOUGHT FOR MORE THAN THIRTY SECONDS(IF THAT). YEAH, BETTER MAKE THAT TEN SECONDS.
I AM ALSO FAT, FRUMPY AND TIRED. THE STRIPPER SHOES WOULD BE AWESOME IF MY POOR FEET DIDN'T HAVE TO CARRY AROUND MY FAT ASS IN THEM.
WORST OF ALL... I FEEL LIKE I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY TO GIVE ENOUGH OF A SHIT TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT ABOUT ANY OF IT.
I AM TRYING... I PROMISE.
I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE... RIGHT?
I LOVE YOU ALL. THANK YOU AGAIN FOR YOUR SUPPORT, YOUR ENCOURAGEMENT, YOUR UNDERSTANDING AND YOUR PRAYERS.
ITS MY ONLY WAY THROUGH THIS...
13 comments:
Sorry to hear you are feeling down, but I definitely sympathize! Having/taking care of D is exhausting--mentally, physically and emotionally. Some days/weeks, you feel totally on top of things and a "bad" day can make it all come crashing down. Once it starts wearing you down, it can be really easy to find yourself in a rut without the energy to climb out of the hole you feel like you're in. And it can be a lonely hole, but it IS comforting to know other people going through the same thing. I think blogging about it at least helps to get it out there so it's not buried somewhere inside of you. Also, it helps other people to know they are not alone in feeling this way...and then it also helps you to know you have support! All you can do is keep trying and take it one a day at a time. I'll send some good, positive thoughts your way! :)
I know there is a light - I look at my husband every day as a remarkable example of how everything is going to be okay...and his mom. She knows the stress, strain, exhaustion, sadness and pain of it all - I watch her with him knowing she still worries, but she is also puffed up and proud of her son. I think this is where we can watch other adults that were diagnosed with diabetes and see how their lives are "normal" and know that it must have taken a great support system to get them there, but dang look at that! And now my mother-in-law travels to wild destinations, she sleeps when she needs, and she no longer counts boxes of test strips or keep insulin supplied in her fridge, I watch her and know that the impact of d never goes away but eventually things even out and the light does shine.
You're not alone Lora. Right here can be a cruddy place to be, but you'll get through it and at no point do you have to do that all by yourself.
Hope today is wonderful :)
Oh Lora.....I fell ya loud and clear...especially the 'fat a**' part!!! I just finished 3/4 of a half sheet cake from my daughters birthday 2 weeks ago. Ugh!!!
Keep looking up Lora...He hears you!
I missed your last post (sorry I got a little behind in my reading). I just popped over and read it and left a comment. If you find your way out, please leave an instruction manual so I can follow suit. Love you girl!
Right here with you Lora... tired as hell and wondering if it will ever get better. We've made it through before and we'll do it again. HUGS to you, my friend!
sigh. The light. I so get it.
Love you bunches and thtinking of you!
Oh, Lora! I somehow missed your last post, but it is so weird because right when you posted it I was having exactly that same conversation with my husband (you know, the one about how much I suck!) If I would have shown him your post (which I did, later) he would have sworn that I wrote it. I just could not have felt more the "same". I used to be "with it". I was voted "Neatest" and "Best Smile" in high school for goodness sakes! And here Matt was telling me that I NEVER smile and forget about the neatness. It is just crazy. I just need that light at the end of the tunnel too and the thought that it will NEVER be there is so sad to me. Wow! I would never let my kids think this way. I would always make sure they had that hope. But that is just par for the course. I have been living so much "do as I say, not as I do" lately and I HATE it. I just even hate that phrase, but I am doing it. :( So... Not very encouraging, but at I guess I just want to say thank you for writing exactly what I am feeling and reading all of the comments that were meant to uplift you, helped me too. Like always, I am so very thankful for the DOC and always having support even when it is the hardest!
I'm so behind. I just read the last one and this one. And you are not alone. I feel the same way. SAME WAY.
We're coming up on 2 years and I think this year is HARDER than the last. I guess I thought that I'd pick myself up and move forward and would not be in the pit again. HA!
I have my moments.
I don't recognize myself either. I'm a mess. I'm fat. I forget things. I can't be on time to save my life. This is not me. (well, I've always been late but not like this) I've always been able to handle ANYTHING. I'm used to doing a good job. A perfect job. I can't be perfect at this. I don't like that.
I feel like I don't talk to my hubby like I used to and we certainly don't spend the time together. Time for me is non-existent.
ANd I'm too tired to care sometimes, too.
You are not alone. Trust me. NOT ALONE.
I wish I could tell you how to fix it, but obviously I can't. All I can offer is that when I'm down your way in June we can sit our fat asses on the beach and have a margarita and commiserate! How's that sound?
Hi Lora, I'm right there with you....feeling nothing but fat, frumpy and exhausted.
So many of us are feeling the same way. Maybe we need to start some accountability group. I don't know...but we really need to figure out a way to help each other.
So many of us are right there with you. I wish I had the answer.
I'm back. There's more that I wanted to say! :) Maybe the thing is that our old selves are gone and we've gotta create something new. Something LIKE the old self... but different. I'm scared, too. I think I do all that I do - in part - because I'm afraid to stop. Because then I'll have to face this disease with no distractions. I think I may need to blog this... ((hugs))
I am right there with ya girl, right there with ya. ((hugs))
So, about the "stripper shoes"?! Let's get your ass stuck in the kitchen sink and you can display the stripper shoes proudly without having to heft around the weight! xoxo. AND...totally J/K.
I love you and know you are SAD, not "MAD"...and it is frustrating to take a few steps back when you feel you should be making "progress". The biggest lesson I think I have learned to date is that you don't just "bounce" back from this shit...it is a journey, it is dynamic, and your state of well being is on a continuum.
(((HUGS)))
Thank you for posting your heart Lora. Even though I am sad that you are in a rut..I feel better knowing that I'm not alone in feeling this way. I too have been feeling disappointed in myself for not moving forward a little faster. It has been 2 years for goodness sakes! I think Ally's 2 year diaversary hit me harder than the first...I have not been able to blog since that day and I think its because I'm avoiding what I truly want to blog about. I'm avoiding it. But it isn't going away. I love you and I hope that we can pull each other out of the black hole some day soon!!
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