Coming to terms...

NaBloPoMo... day 2


Click on the pic to learn more about NaBloPoMo

When we first found out I was pregnant I was a working girl. Moving up in the company and happy in my position. I had no intention of quitting my job to become a hOuSe wIfe... uh no! Anthony had expressed his preference of me staying home, but didn't push the subject on me in any way.
 Then... when I was around 29 weeks along, I got sick with Toxemia and landed in the hospital for a few weeks before they induced me just shy of my 32nd week.



Here I was... released from the hospital without my tiny, 4lb, baby girl. I had to leave her there in the NICU. No way of knowing how she was at all times. Yes, I spent lots of time there, but its not the same.

It was during that time I decided that my career wasn't so important after all. Gods way of showing me maybe??



And then I was a stay at home mom.



Justin was born 14 months later(no, not on purpose). Justin was full term, healthy and just as beautiful as his sister. Granted, during the first few weeks he was home I really did want to run away. Having a new born and a 14 month old was not easy to adjust to at first. I had Anthony neutered right after Justin was born :)



I had fallen into my new position surprisingly easy and being home turned out to be a blessing when Justin was a little over a year old. That's when all the appointments started. I don't know how I would have had time to work. We spent four days a week in a therapy office on top of neurology appointments, test after test... after test. Constant ear infections turned out to be an IGA deficiency and ear tubes(twice). This just touches the surface of it all, but is not the reason for this post so I will move on.



Once the kids started school... I found my new calling as a volunteer. I did a little to much of this, but I loved it. It kept me busy and the schedule was somewhat flexible for me to advocate for Justin's needs. I've done a whole lot of advocating over the past seven years. It was hard, stressful and probably the most important thing I've done aside from just being a mom. Again, how do working people with special needs children(diabetic included) do this?? It can become a full time position all in itself.



When the economy took a huge hit... financially, so did we. We held on in hopes that it would get better, but a significant loss in income coupled with a added need of costly medical supplies after Justin was diagnosed; faced me with the reality of going back to work. This may be hard for some people to understand, I was one of those people 12 years ago, but this was heartbreaking for me. I haven't even been able to rewrite my blogs profile info. Doing that would mean that I have to come to terms with my new reality(can you believe that is what inspired me to write this post).
  I started substitute teaching in September of 2009. This was perfect. Flexible with the continuous doctor appointments. I could still volunteer and I love being at the school and in the classroom. Problem was... the pay sucks and its not steady. The other dilemma I faced was the lack of consistency. With D in the mix and with my personality(mostly with my personality) I needed more of a schedule. It was throwing me off to not know if I was working until the morning of on most days.



So when I got a call last August about a part time administrative assistant job in an accounting department(right up my alley)... I ended up taking it. They knew I was going to continue to sub and were more than willing to work with me.



I did both all last year. I came to realize that I needed the consistency of a schedule even more than I thought I did. It calmed me. Put things back in some form of order.



When summer vacation started closing in... I was faced with yet another decision. I don't work enough(only 3 days a week at this job) to make day care cost effective. Though my kids are old enough to stay home... diabetes at home alone was a different story.



In truth, I wanted to take the summer off, but I had to be honest with myself and admit that I really couldn't do that without consequences financially. As it was... I would loose the income from subbing. This was REALLY hard to face and it has taken me a long time to do it.



After lots of stressing and talking and thinking; Anthony and I decided that he would take take a day off opposite me whenever possible. His other day off is always Sunday. This meant that the kids would be left home alone two days a week for six hours a day. Scared the crap out of me from a diabetes perspective.



When the day came for me to leave them home... I was terrified. I have relied a lot on Leighanna(even more so than usual) to keep Justin in check and she is doing a great job. I couldn't ask for a better big sister than my 4lb preemie has become.



So I'm coming to terms.




I would love more than anything in the world to continue to be a stay at home mom, continue volunteering and eventually advocate for others. After all, that is where my heart is.

But reality is that I need to work. I even need to get serious about going full time and have faith that the kids will be okay with me not being at school all the time.



AND as difficult as it is... I need to update my profile info and come to terms with the path that life has taken.