"You can not change the circumstances,
the seasons or the wind"...
~Kahlil Gibran
As I drove Justin to school this morning it hit me... I can not be that mom anymore. The mom I was watching, happily walking her child to class. The mom chit-chatting with the other moms as their kids run ahead swinging their lunchbox back and forth. The mom I have been for so long and the mom I wish I was still able to be... just a little longer.
Last night I accepted a full time position. This path has been a long time coming, the financial hit we took during the down turn in the economy a few years ago and the high cost medical expenses we face each month has lead me to where I am today. I know I am not alone in this struggle. Many D-Mamas I hold closest to my heart, face the same challenges I do. Choosing between filling a prescription and paying a bill is a hard hard pill to swallow for anyone.
*Just to clarify: I do already work... two jobs, both part time and both super flexible. Kids get sick, bg's are high... I stay home/leave.
Okay, back to post...
The quiet ride to work today felt longer than usual. I hate riding in the car alone; it gives me to much time to think. The car can be a lonely place(does that even make sense?). I cried the whole way. I cried out of fear of the unknown, out of guilt for leaving my kids and out of anger for not having the option of another choice.
Walking into work today didn't prove to be much easier. I had the daunting task of telling my favorite cousin that I was leaving. I don't know if it was reality sinking further and further into the orbs of my mind or if I really just didn't want to give her my notice, but the crying continued. I'm such a baby!
This afternoon we had to stop and talk with my Mother-in-law. We are going to need help. Emergency at school help, help during some morning getting Justin on the bus, some afternoons getting him off or help picking him up on time from wherever we decide to take him. With D in the mix, I just don't feel comfortable with him coming home on his own.
Please don't mistake the above as being ungrateful for the opportunity that I have. I have been offered a great job with great pay and even the possibility of working from home after ten months. All of the searching for a full time job has led me to one that I think will be great in the long term. I truly believe that GOD has his hand in the path that I have been walking down and has presented me with this opportunity at the right time and at the right place. I know in my heart that it will be okay.
Only, okay doesn't make it easier. I have been home for a long time. I was blessed to have had that opportunity. Even when I started working two years ago... I was home when my kids got out of school.
This is going to be a big adjustment for all of us. Decisions on what to do about Justin need to be made - my kids have never been in a daycare. The nurse and teachers need to be talked to, communication will be transferred to Anthony for the time being. I am not sure how to hand over control. Maybe the adjustment I will be making will be the hardest of all.
11 comments:
Lora, I've always admired you and you're strength. Keep going Pretty Lady!
Changes like this are SO hard! Everything will work out!!! You'll see. It really will!!!
You definitely got me with the feeling alone in the car thing...same same today Lora. First, I'm so happy that you have found what sounds like a great new job, congrats! Second, HUGS to you for all of the new changes because of it. You are a strong Momma though and I know you will manage everything fantasticly (is that a word? LOL!) :o)
The car ride part got to me. I can hold my shit together. I am "stone"... until I am in the car. The car is where I mourned the loss of my father...where I sobbed about Joe's diagnosis ("D" and that brain lesion fluke)...I lose my shit in the car. I can soooo see you in the car and it broke my heart Lora.
The unknowns of your "new" normal are stressful. Not "knowing" how things will pan out...the logistics...is stressful and scary. You are not alone. You will perservere.
And...about the GOD-bit...does he know about your stripper shoe fetish? xo
Lora,
You are a wonderful mom! I'm sending HUGS!!!!
So hard to make such a big life change for sure. I KNOW you will succeed, you are strong and a super mom to begin with. I remember when hubby and I lost our business, going back to work out of panic, taking the first offer - with much less pay than I was used to, just to have health benefits because of "D". I feel you Lora. I hope the new job turns out to be AMAZING and you are able to work from home like they said. Very best of luck to you!!!! (((hugs)))
Sending you much love this day. So glad that I found your blog, for I hope you know what an inspiration you are to this "D" momma!
change is super hard, but also congrats on the new job. you have to close one door in order to open another some times. i know what you are saying about the car. its my 'quiet' time. i pray and think about things, and i often face the things i avoid all day, behind the wheel. everything will work out.
Reading your post made me think of Isaiah 41:13. "For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says Do not fear, I will help you."
I get the financial stuff. I teach piano (which I love) but I'm desperately trying to find more students because the bills keep coming.....
First...congratulations on the new job. I know how scary change is and I completely understand all of your concerns and sadness. Hang in there my friend. It will all work out. sending luv your way :)
first off congratulations for gaining employment in a tough time...that is something to feel wonderful about. I believe it will all work out and eventually you'll see that things are beyond okay, they're great. You are an amazing mother, whether you're there when the bus drives up or not, that doesn't change things :) Take care of yourself and know that you're never alone in these experiences!
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