On my way to work this week, I was checking my facebook(at a red light, of course) and a question in one of the groups got me thinking.
A mom had ask the pumpers if they also carried insulin pens or vials with them when they left the house. The answers varied as usual, but there I was, drifting back in time to when Justin was first diagnosed.
I was thinking how his arms have gone back to "normal" since we've been on the pump. Like they were in the beginning... sensitive.
Then I started tearing up as I remembered the first few months of diabetes.
Every time Justin would get a shot, I would hold his arm up and we would get ready to go. I felt so bad as I would stand there.
Justin would tell me to wait a minute and I would say whenever your ready, just let me know.
Then suddenly he would hold his breath... cheeks puffed out and all so that I knew it was time to go ahead and give him the shot.
As soon as it went in his eyes would close. As soon as it was over, I would ALWAYS say... I'm sorry.
It's not something that I realized I did until one day Justin told me... Mom, please stop telling me your sorry.
Then it hit me... oh my gosh, I do- do that everyday. Everyday I tell him I'm sorry for giving him a shot because I WAS sorry.
I was sorry about him having diabetes...
I was sorry for hurting him everyday...
I was sorry for all of it.
Either way, it was finally Justin that let me know that I needed to cut it out. I didn't need to be sorry. I just needed to do what I had to do to keep him safe.
Lessons learned from a then 7 yr old.
A mom had ask the pumpers if they also carried insulin pens or vials with them when they left the house. The answers varied as usual, but there I was, drifting back in time to when Justin was first diagnosed.
I was thinking how his arms have gone back to "normal" since we've been on the pump. Like they were in the beginning... sensitive.
Then I started tearing up as I remembered the first few months of diabetes.
Every time Justin would get a shot, I would hold his arm up and we would get ready to go. I felt so bad as I would stand there.
Justin would tell me to wait a minute and I would say whenever your ready, just let me know.
Then suddenly he would hold his breath... cheeks puffed out and all so that I knew it was time to go ahead and give him the shot.
As soon as it went in his eyes would close. As soon as it was over, I would ALWAYS say... I'm sorry.
It's not something that I realized I did until one day Justin told me... Mom, please stop telling me your sorry.
Then it hit me... oh my gosh, I do- do that everyday. Everyday I tell him I'm sorry for giving him a shot because I WAS sorry.
I was sorry about him having diabetes...
I was sorry for hurting him everyday...
I was sorry for all of it.
Either way, it was finally Justin that let me know that I needed to cut it out. I didn't need to be sorry. I just needed to do what I had to do to keep him safe.
Lessons learned from a then 7 yr old.
7 comments:
As a mom of a child with diabetes, I always cry when my little man wants to do the "grown up things" when it comes to diabetes. I cry happy tears because I know he wants to learn how to take care of himself with this disease, but also sad tears because he's so young having to deal with this. I kind of compare the feeling to his first day of school... that bittersweet moment of watching him get on the school bus, happy and excited, but scary at the same time, for both of us. We're both happy because hes "growing up", but sad too, because, well... hes growing up! LOL! Does that make any sense? LOL!
Your post really hits home today as I just blogged about the marks on my daughter's body from all the shots and now having to try shots in new areas which is no fun! We have our own routine we go through until she is ready for the shot.
At diagnosis, they told us to never say we are sorry for giving a shot, because we shouldn't be since we are keeping them alive. Well, easier said than done when over and over you are hurting them and causing them to cry, but I have remembered that and try not to say it. I say I'm sorry the shot hurt....I think that is okay! Thanks for sharing.
I think of all the things the kids have taught me over the past six years and hope that I am teaching them equally important lessons :) I am thankful right now that Isaac has TJ to talk to about diabetes as I would probably still be an apologizing crying mess about it, sometimes it is all still very overwhelming, but looking at an adult that has lived with it for over 20 years and knowing all he's done (and is doing) helps with perspective a bit :)
Hope your weekend was fabulous and you have a great work week, too. And, I know nothing about the meds you have your son on but I do hope things have become more smooth, I think about you guys often and send lovely thoughts your way for things to get "easier" (for lack of a better word) - either the seizures to end, meds to work properly without side effects...or some other lovely answer.
Take care ((HUGS))
Those lessons are hard to learn, especially when the 'teacher' is our kiddo.
But the truth is, we are sorry that they have to deal with this; sorry that we have to hurt them to keep them alive.
I guess sometimes saying it doesn't make it better, though.
Obviously.
this one hit me hard...i did/do the same thing with Emma. :o(
Ack. I hate it when a post renders me speechless, tears forming in the eyes, and makes me shake my head quickly to 'knock out' the mental picture painted. I also hate it when I can relate because I have been in the EXACT same spot. That means someone else out there is feeling the same pain and that sucks. Big time.
Lesson learned...I do this too sometimes and this post will defintiely be in my head and heart the next time I think about saying those words again. xoxo
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