Goodbye...

I know she was tired, she was ready. Knowing that gives me peace in some ways, I guess, but it sure doesn't make it any easier to say goodbye. "She" was my grandmother; and on April 2nd, she passed away after suffering a stroke a few days before.

I don't know why it has taken me so long to write about it. Avoidance, I suppose. Thats how I handle a lot of things when it all piles up on me these days. 

"Just don't think about it, Lora, and you can keep going.

I never use to be that way, but I think it has become a source of survival in a way. A way to protect my heart or maybe my mind.

I spent a lot of time at the hospital those last few days. I know she wouldn't have wanted to live that way; paralized, not able to speak or eat. She was done. She wanted to go... to the point where she kept pulling her oxagen mask off. A sign of... I don't want to fight anymore. I wonder what that feels like? To not want to fight. To be at the point of no more options, no more will to survive. Yet, your mind is fully aware of whats coming. Do you get scared? Do you get a feeling of peace or comfort knowing that its almost over and you don't have to "feel" anymore? I hope I never have to know that kind of feeling.

Good Night, Grandma.

I will love and miss you always.