I know she was tired, she was ready. Knowing that gives me peace in some ways, I guess, but it sure doesn't make it any easier to say goodbye. "She" was my grandmother; and on April 2nd, she passed away after suffering a stroke a few days before.
I don't know why it has taken me so long to write about it. Avoidance, I suppose. Thats how I handle a lot of things when it all piles up on me these days.
I never use to be that way, but I think it has become a source of survival in a way. A way to protect my heart or maybe my mind.
I spent a lot of time at the hospital those last few days. I know she wouldn't have wanted to live that way; paralized, not able to speak or eat. She was done. She wanted to go... to the point where she kept pulling her oxagen mask off. A sign of... I don't want to fight anymore. I wonder what that feels like? To not want to fight. To be at the point of no more options, no more will to survive. Yet, your mind is fully aware of whats coming. Do you get scared? Do you get a feeling of peace or comfort knowing that its almost over and you don't have to "feel" anymore? I hope I never have to know that kind of feeling.
I don't know why it has taken me so long to write about it. Avoidance, I suppose. Thats how I handle a lot of things when it all piles up on me these days.
"Just don't think about it, Lora, and you can keep going.
I never use to be that way, but I think it has become a source of survival in a way. A way to protect my heart or maybe my mind.
I spent a lot of time at the hospital those last few days. I know she wouldn't have wanted to live that way; paralized, not able to speak or eat. She was done. She wanted to go... to the point where she kept pulling her oxagen mask off. A sign of... I don't want to fight anymore. I wonder what that feels like? To not want to fight. To be at the point of no more options, no more will to survive. Yet, your mind is fully aware of whats coming. Do you get scared? Do you get a feeling of peace or comfort knowing that its almost over and you don't have to "feel" anymore? I hope I never have to know that kind of feeling.
Good Night, Grandma.
I will love and miss you always.
9 comments:
So sorry Lora, it is always so hard to loss a grandma. They are just so special! Much love to you and your family.
Oh Lora... I'm so sorry. Even when someone is ready to go doesnt mean we are ready to let them go. Sending you super big hugs, my friend. Love you!
Oh Lora, Im so sorry those last days were a struggle for your Grandmother, and my heart hurts that you were there to witness first hand :( I hope in the days ahead you can find comfort and peace knowing she is without any more pain or suffering. ((HUGS))
I'm so sorry for your loss, Lora <3 My heart goes out to you and your family <3
Thinking of you this night and on the many days to come when something reminds you of her and the life you shared together. May all of those special moments bring you much comfort. xoxo
Hugs Lora... So sorry to hear about your grandma.
I lost my grandma several years ago. I still miss her every single day. Some people are just really special in our lives. I'm sorry for you. It helps me to think that she's watching over me and that I can talk to her any time., and that if there IS an afterlife, she'll be there waiting for me.
I'm sorry, Lora.
Not only am I sorry for your loss, I am sorry I somehow missed this update and didn't share my condolences earlier :(.
Praying good memories are filling the gap of her earthly departure.
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