In Memory of Shamae...

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.

~Carol Sobieski and Thomas Meehan, Annie

You hear of those connections, you know, the connections between people, such as law enforcement or soldiers... the type of connection/bond that forms even with those you may have never even met. You rise when they need you, hurt when they hurt and when you lose them- you lose a part of yourself.

It may sound odd, but I understand that connection. Don't misunderstand, I do not think I am even remotely on the same level of a soldier or law enforcement. I just know what its like to have that connection with someone... because of the DOC.

Five years ago(as of yesterday) our lives changed forever. I spent about nine months lost. Then I found blogs...

Shamae's blog was one of two blogs I originally found and quickly fell in love with(Jill's was the other). All I could think was "I can't believe I'm not really alone". "There are others out there that feel this way". It was all so hard to believe, but it was also the start of healing for me and I will forever be grateful to her for that.

Not long after, the Sunday Night Chats began. It took me a while to muster up the courage to join in(I'm a little self conscious and all), but when I did, you can not possibly understand how much I looked forward to those chats. We literally sat up for hours, sometimes ridiculously late, laughing our butts off like we had been best of friends all our lives. I smile just thinking about it, but it also makes me a little sad that we allowed it to end. Especially now that it can never possibly be the same.

Makes you realize how important it is to keep in touch with those you love.

Destination... Mud Run...Me # 3

I am going to steel this first part from Captain Jackson's Mama... altering to fit yours truly, of course.

If your late to the Destination...Mud Run.. Me ... I'll fill you in".  Hallie started Destination Me as a way to gain some "Me" time you can read about her journey here and my commitment to the journey and why I want to do it here. 

So how is it going...

If you remember, things didn't get going until right before post # 2... that whole Monday thing and all. Since then, I have continued to walk, not everyday, but the treadmill is still getting some action. I have come to the conclusion that no matter what I tell myself... if I do not get up early and walk, its not going to happen that day. I need to find a way to fix that since diabetes doesn't always get along with getting up at 5:45 am.

I have continued to eat better and have been sticking to logging for the Well Challenge I joined at work. As of yesterday, I am down 3 lbs. I am pretty excited about that.

I definitely need to drink more water. I fell off the wagon this weekend and went all crack addict on the Diet Coke. I regretted it on Monday when my hands swelled up from all the "water retention".

Sleep... I challenged myself to sleep. Really? Who am I kidding. I tried. I promise I did... and I even followed through and went to bed at 11:00 that first night. Too bad I woke up at some redonculous time in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep. My body just doesn't know how to act with more than a few hours at a time. After that, I think I managed to get in bed early one other night this past week... I will continue to work on that.

So there you have it... the good, the bad and the fall of the wagon.

This week I think I am just going to continue with what I am working on. I didn't master the whole sleep thing and lord knows I need to work o my water issues. I think that's worth an extra week of trying. On top of that I will add in that I need to walk more so I can start running... eventually.

A big THANKS to Captain Jackson's Mama for motivating me to get this week post out.

Destination... Mud Run... Me #2

And here we are... post #2 of destination me (inspired by Hallie). I will be honest... I have a tradition(if you will) about dieting. I like to start dieting on Monday. I secretly do this so I can binge eat until i'm sick or until all of the good "crap" is out of the house.

Can I call that last weeks goal?

If so, keep tradition... check!

I did actually start on Monday, by the way.

-One thing Hallie and I share is our love for coke, I am a diet girl, but I also prefer my diet coke over coffee any day. That said, I do know I have to give it up in order to reach my goal and I also know if I have it in the house I will never drink anything but that.

I drank my last diet coke Monday morning. We will see how that works out for me. (I'm actually breaking out in colds sweats just thinking about it... #feelinglikeacrackhead)

Yikes... enough about that before I ditch this post and make a Sonic run.

-I decided to sign up for the annual "Well Challenge(WC)" at work. The WC is an 8 week challenge. You can choose a goal, such as: weight challenge, fitness challenge, fruit and veggie challenge and a few more. I choose the weight challenge, of course, because that will make me focus on both diet and exercise all at once. I am required to log my daily food and exercise... so far, I have been on it!!! In the end, the ultimate goal in this challenge is to loose 5% of my current weight... that puts me right around 8-9lbs to lose in the 8 weeks. Then maybe... I could even win a trip, but I won't hold my breath on that one.

Today they sent me a motivational "badge" for sticking with it for 3 whole days... HOLLA!

Now here's the biggie... are you sitting down?

I have no idea how, but I also managed to drag my tired rump out of bed at 5:45am the past three days. THEN, I actually put my shoes on and walked on the treadmill. Granted, only for 30 min a day and I barely made it 2 miles, but hey... that is 130 min further than I was walking last week. Baby steps peeps!!! I will make it through that mud run even if I have to crawl.


Goal... I'm suppose to set one, right?

I think I may go with Hallie on this one. I am going to try and go to bed. I get an average of 4 1/2 - 5 hours of sleep per night. I need to change that if I want to reach my goal. I need sleep. My body needs sleep. Wish me lots of luck with this one... I probably have a better chance of giving up the diet coke.

Until next week.

Destination... Mud Run... Me!

We all know how much a diagnosis changes our lives. If you're anything like me, your whole world became about just trying to function or maybe just trying to not screw up. Since I wasn't on top of things like I always had been, something had to give... that something included me.

In a little more than a month (10/21), we will have lived with diabetes for 5 years. 5 years ago, I lost it. I lost myself and my ability to give a crap about my health. Then just when I felt like I had this... another diagnosis came along and pushed me back a bit. Then, recently, I made a plan with a group of girls at work to sign up for a 5k mud run in February. I thought... I can do this. 5k... no problem.

Only, there is now a new diagnosis hanging over our heads and its kind of kicking my butt, just a little.
On August 19th Justin went for an x-ray and on August 21st, I got a call from the Doctor... Justin has Scoliosis.

This is the first time I am sharing the news. I haven't had the heart to even tell him. How can I?  He has so much on his plate already and whats the point until we have to do something about it; which may be sooner rather than later since he is still complaining about his back hurting.

I'll be honest, my first thought was to stick my head back in the hole its spent so much time in the past 5 years, but I need to cut that out. I need to get my shit together and start taking care of myself so that I can face this new challenge... whatever that turns out to be.

SOOOO... I am going to do that mud run in February. For me. To help get my head straight and keep it out of that hole.

It just so happens that the super awesome Hallie over at The Princess and the Pump has started a new challenge, called "Destination Me". My destination may start off with a little different motivation, but on my way to "me", I'm going to rock that mud run.

Stop by Hallie's post HERE to learn a little more about what she's doing and why. THEN sign up to join her on this journey.

For the Record...

Let me share a little bit about myself...

Overall, from the outside looking in, I am a happy-go-lucky positive person. I'm goofy and I have a habit of befriending those who just happen to be sitting beside me. I speak up as the voice of reason and, even if do not agree, I always try to see all points of view and even stick up for the person(s) who are not there to do it for themselves.

I do, from time to time, love to people watch, but it is all in good fun I promise (shame on me, I know).

I enjoy volunteering and I have taught my kids the value of doing the same. I also ALWAYS do my best to offer a few kind, uplifting words to anyone who needs it. However, if I just don't have it in me that day... I am considerate enough to walk away or click the "X" in the upper right hand corner of the screen.

That is me, on the outside... in short!

From the inside I am full of worry... I haven't always been this way on the inside. At one time, my inside mimicked the outside and all of its happy-filled, smiley silliness. That side of me still breaks free from time to time, but something happened when Justin was just a baby, and then another and another. Along with that came worry as diagnosis after diagnoses was brought to our attention.

These days...

My heart breaks, just a little, every time I watch Justin have a seizure. I can relive them in my head, over and over, at anytime and without warning.

My heart breaks, just a little, every time he has a low. Knowing what diabetes has the potential of doing comes rushing to the forefront of my mind and I can't help but wonder if I could have done something, anything, to avoid it.

My heart breaks, just a little, every time he's high. Man, is he going to throw up? How can I get his belly to stop hurting? Maybe I should have changed his sight sooner.

My heart breaks, just a little, every time he looks sad. The look on his face is etched in my mind for unsolicited instant replay.

Justin won't know how I am feeling on the inside because I hide it. I lie with a straight face(or maybe a goofy one). From the outside, we fix it, forget it and move on. But on the inside, there is a mental toll that comes along with all he faces. That part is unavoidable sometimes; no matter how positive you make yourself out to be... you are also human.

Yesterday I made a comment on one of Hallie's post. I made reference to the fact that I think the stuff that our kids deal with IS a big deal to them. THEY are the ones on the sidelines testing and treating lows. I said that "Mentally. Emotionally. It is  big deal." I would Never say that to Justin, but lets face it, their friends don't exactly sit around waiting for them. Even if our kids don't expect them to, it still kind of sucks. This is MY opinion and I shared it.

The toll of being "different" has become more and more evident as Justin gets older. The challenges now are different than they were when he was 7 or 8. He sees more, he hears more and he knows more. It doesn't matter how good we are at being positive... he has his own thoughts. It doesn't matter how much we act as if "its no big deal"... this isn't easy for him. Part of his life, yes, but not exactly easy.

I suppose as each year passes we will face a new or different set of challenges, not only medically, but normal teenage/growing up challenges too. Some of which will be magnified by the medical stuff; that is just simple fact. I have no doubts that we will still have many triumphs, as we do now, but that will not change the fact that the challenges need attention too. That's just life in general, right?

Anyways,  back to the comment on Hallie's post...
There was a response to my comment... a kind of insulting one actually.  

I was judged and it kind of pissed me off. There was assumptions made about how I feel about Justin's diabetes. You shouldn't judge what you do not know. This holds true for everyone.

It was said  that "he can participate, be involved and be valued by society regardless of the condition". WTH?!?! What makes this person think that he isn't a valued part of society already? 

I can assure you he/we are already a valued part of society... we are alive aren't we? I can assure you we live in a happy house. We laugh and joke and do fun family stuff. We are silly. I torture Justin by taking him shopping and making him do chores(I know, I am a terrible mother). We are close. We are encouraging. We are supportive. We also have to face diabetes and epilepsy along with some other stuff... and that IS a big deal, no matter how hard I try to pretend its not.

 

#CWDFFL13

I am probably the last blogger in the world to write about FFL 2013 but hey... nice girls finish last, right? *Oh shut it... I AM NICE!*

To be honest, I keep writing and deleting over and over... I've been doing that for days. I guess there are really no words to adequately describe what its like.

So maybe I can tell a little about our week with the photos from my phone...
**disclaimer: not all photos posted below have been approved, sorry ladies**

So Meri posted a pic similar to this one, showing us with a perfect pose and great smiles...

Truth is...

We had to take like 20 shots because we couldn't keep it together.

A good mom would have been with Justin while he did his retina screening...

Truth is...

This girl was out in the hallway and I ditched him :/

I think he still loves me...

and I think he loves Meri too.

I wanted to be sure to get pics with all my favorite Mamas...

Truth is...

photo courtesy of Sara

I got a little distracted by the Mojitos.


DMama nicely holds light up mo-hawks for kids...

Truth is...

DMama's can not resist wearing them while posing oddly for the camera.


I thought for sure Justin would make some kind of Mindcraft reference when I spotted him writing on the Dexcom wall.

Truth is...

Other than the fact that he spells about as well as his mama, it was pretty sweet <3 p="">

I wasn't sure what to expect when we packed our bags for our first "official" FFL conference.

Truth is...

Photo courtesy of Cooperate Image Photography

We had a blast!!

Even the hubbies had fun.

****

Both family near...

and those that live far...

I wouldn't trade one second of time I spent with you.

Photo courtesy of Cooperate Image Photography

ALL of you...

Maybe next year Sara can come too :)

Dear Mr. AP...

An open letter to an Assistant Principal...

Dear Mr. AP,
I think you've lost sight of why were here. We are not here to be a winner in the game of who's right. Were not here to prove each other wrong or show each other whose boss. We are not here for a pissing match. Nor were we sent to make each others life miserable.

We are here for a child. A child that YOU should WANT to succeed.

I understand that you have been "doing this a long time", but don't dismiss me as being ignorant.
Maybe you have been doing this for a while, but so have I. The difference, however, is that I have more to loose. I fight with my heart because he, who I fight for, is my life and I can not, will not let him down. I can not fail him. I will go down swinging at every obstacle you throw at me and I will succeed in the end because it is whats right and there have been laws put into place to protect him from people just like you.

Also, I think you lack common courtesy or decency or maybe both. Maybe you just have no balls, I don't know. You have been against us all year, and today, when we learned YOU were in the wrong, you had someone else call. I think it should have been you, eating a slice of humble pie with your apology. Seems you are not the "expert" you thought you were. Also seems like you lack the ability to take responsibility for your actions and/or mistakes. You are suppose to be a roll model, Mr. AP, but I would prefer MY child to look up to a man with manners, kindness and a little empathy.

Having said all of this, I do hope, Mr. AP, that maybe, just maybe, when August rolls around... we can start the new year fresh. Positive even. With answers in place of the brick walls. With "we can" in place of "we can't". I hope that we can focus on the reason we are here. I hope we can move past wanting to be right and DO what is right for a child that needs us to work as a team.

He is counting on us, however, if you choose not to change... he will always have me and I will not let him down. You have my word on that.

Choosing...

“The problem, simply put, is that we cannot choose everything simultaneously. So we live in danger of becoming paralyzed by indecision, terrified that every choice might be the wrong choice.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert

Here I am again. It's 1:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. My head and stomach are in knots because there is a.n.o.t.h.e.r meeting.

Freaking meetings... Kill me now!

This time it is to come up with a plan for standardized testing. Last month, Justin's 504 wasn't followed during FCAT's. One day his bg wasn't tested at all and the next they allowed him to start testing with a bg of 61.

I spent four weeks asking for someone to get back with me so that we could "find a resolution".
And for four weeks those calls/emails went unanswered.

Until I emailed the county superintendent.

Unfortunately, you could tell by the tone in her voice, the AP was quite "ticked" when she called me. I pray this doesn't set the tone when we meet next week. #nothopeful

I worry that this will be a bashing session, rather than a solution meeting. Because that is exactly what the phone call was. I am not ignorant to the reality that the challenges over the past school year have damaged the lines of communication(if there really were any to begin with). Its been a rough year. Lot's of "that is not our responsibility" and you need to contact so and so... who send you to so and so #2 who then sends you to so and so #3 who ultimately send you back to the original so and so.

I have two choices here... keep him there or move him. Each option is a win/loose situation.

Keeping him there...
I honestly don't think they are ever going to work with me. I've been labeled to the point where they don't even bother to answer an email. All for advocating for my child. Justin has been labeled as well. My confidence in "the system" is gone. Justin is struggling emotionally and it's not worth all this stress on either of us. Can I even survive two more years of this?

However, his sister is there. I don't have to worry about him on the bus because I know she is watching him. I don't have to worry about transportation. He has friends there... kids that he has gone to school with since kindergarten. It's pure bullshit that he should be yanked out of his neighborhood school because they can't get their shit together. He.has.the.right.to.be.there!

If I move him...
I don't know how I am going to get him back and forth. This will be a challenge for the next two years. He will not go to high school with any of the kids at the new school so he will have to start all over socially. This is a big challenge for a shy kid with confidence/emotional struggles(and she begins to cry). I would have to choose a new school and deal with all the worries of making the right choice. Justin and I would have to live with the consequences if I choose wrong.

But, I could start fresh with a new "team" that may be more willing to help him( that is if they haven't been warned about his witch of a mother). A team that may be more compassionate. I would start a new year hopeful. Maybe I could even stop crying and get some sleep. Maybe I could even stop stress eating... MAYBE.

I just don't know what to do. You can not imagine how much this is killing me. I only want what is best for him. I only want him to succeed and be happy. But reality is I am am failing. He is struggling and he is unhappy. He needs a break. WE need a break.

Memories... Diabetes Blog Week

Today's topic...

Click for the Memories - Wednesday 5/15 Link List

Today we’re going to share our most memorable diabetes day. You can take this anywhere.... your or your loved one's diagnosis, a bad low, a bad high, a big success, any day that you’d like to share. (Thanks to Jasmine of Silver-Lined for this topic suggestion.)

I can remember it so well... Our first "fighting low". You know what I'm talking about; the kind of low that makes them fight you. Makes them refuse to drink. The kind that makes you panic and question if you're capable of going for the Glucagon if it comes to that. 

It went a little something like this...

It was summer. Justin and I were in the school's media center folding and labeling the newsletters so that we could get them mailed out. Other than one other mom, who was helping, we were alone.  To be honest, I really didn't know her that well so I am sure it was a shock when I started screaming and my then 8 year old son for no obvious reason. Not obvious to an "outsider" anyways.

I promise I didn't flip out right away, after all, we were at least 7 or so months in and I had this all under control by then, right? **Wishful denial might be more like it**. 

I can see it in my head. Sitting there folding away, the happy little mommy volunteer, looking at her son getting a little pale. 

"Justin, you okay?"

"Justin"

"JusTin" - a little hint of aggravation forming because this is not funny to me. 

"JUSTIN" - dragging him outside to yell because he's just not listening to me.

And the fighting begins...

An eternity passes as a mom fights her 8 year old son. Pleading with him to drink.

Her mind is spinning with what to do next. Do I have the Glucagon? Do I have the cake gel? Do I have it in me to use it? Have I practiced enough?

She's getting madder. Why? The anger can only be out of pure fear.

"Dear God, Justin, drink the juice"

"PLEASE" 

And just as quick as it started it was over. 

Juice was consumed. 

The Mom's heart was broken and full of guilt for yelling. But what else could she do?

She was terrified.

And she will never forget that feeling for as long as she lives.

We, the Undersigned... Diabetes Blog week - day 2

Today's topic...

Recently various petitions have been circulating the Diabetes Online Community, so today let’s pretend to write our own. Tell us who you would write the petition to – a person, an organization, even an object (animate or inanimate) - get creative!! What are you trying to change and what have you experienced that makes you want this change? (Thanks to Briley of inDpendence for this topic suggestion.)

IF I were able to petition anything, I would petition the perfect 504 plan. Yeah, an "air tight" 504 plan. It would cover everything from testing to lock downs and everything before, after and in between. It would be a standard plan, based on your child's disability/disabilities. It would be valid no matter where you lived. It would be binding and non negotiable. It would fit everyone... "not like a one size fit all" plan or anything... more like a "we gotcha covered no matter what plan".  And if the school(s) didn't follow it... there would be serious consequences for those involved. 

I think some of these schools need a wake up call. I think some people need a new lesson in humanity and understanding. I am so tired of fighting for reasonable accommodations. Things that SHOULD be a no brainer are a fight ... Wait! The school does not like to use that term, challenge, everything is a challenge. I call Bull Shit!!! I say if you have disabilities, even if they are invisible, you should be able to get the accommodations you need. Tools to help you be successful in spite of the challenges you face. The absolute last thing we should be given is a hard time... we have enough of a hard time... We don't need anyone to give it to us.

Signed,
Crapstix... I think this just turned into a rant :/

Share and Don't Share... Diabetes blog week day 1

Today's topic ...

Often our health care team only sees us for about 15 minutes several times a year, and they might not have a sense of what our lives are really like. Today, let’s pretend our medical team is reading our blogs. What do you wish they could see about your and/or your loved one's daily life with diabetes? On the other hand, what do you hope they don't see?  (Thanks to Melissa Lee of Sweetly Voiced for this topic suggestion.)

I think I am going to have to give a big shout out to Justin's endo on this one... we always get more than 15 minutes with him. If we have questions... he stays to answer them. If changes need to be made... he stays to change them. I have never felt rushed or unheard.

He is, however, very serious. As a mom I appreciate that, but I am also a bit scared of him and I can see how that seriousness could hinder an open relationship between him and Justin later on. Will Justin feel comfortable being up front an honest? Or will he play it safe so that he doesn't get the ass chewing of his life?  

Our endo is very quick to tell you that your doing a good job. I have also heard he is pretty straight forward and/or blunt when you're not. Thank goodness I've never been on the receiving end of that!!

Again, as a mom, I kinda appreciate that. I want someone other than me to tell Justin when he needs to get his shit together. But do I really want that? Should I really want that? OR... should I want an endo that is open with no judgement? Fine line, I suppose.

So if I had to say anything, it would be...
I hope that you are "softer" than you appear. I hope that with all that seriousness, comes understanding. I hope that when you chew a chunk of my sons ass, you do it with compassionate concern and I hope you give empathy when he needs it and tough love when its warranted.

Happy Monday!

4th Annual Diabetes Blog Week...

Monday kicks off the 4th annual Diabetes Blog week, hosted by the awesome Karen over at Bitter~Sweet.

Click on the banner below to get a sneak peek at this weeks topics and to see a list of all the awesome bloggers who will be joining in the fun.

Thank you, Karen, for hosting such a great event :)

On a more personal note, I am sure going to do my best to blog every day, but no promises... its going to be a crazy week for me. I am going to play the role of a single, working, dmama... YIKES! I think I might even have to go grocery shopping too. Double Yikes!!!! Now before you get a funky look on your face... No, I don't do the grocery shopping. I write the list and Anthony pushes the cart around the store.
Listen... we had to divide and conquer when I went back to work and grocery shopping was on the top of my list to delegate... yeah, we'll call it delegating. I hate it and he doesn't mind it. Win-Win and a holla just for fun!!

Anywho, the Mr. is headed to Ohio this week with his family. Note... his entire family who helps me when he is not around. They will ALL be gone. Help(aka Mr. grocery) and backup plan(aka, my "were in a jam can you help" help)... GONE... ALL-OF-THEM.

THEN, as life does, the curve balls were thrown as soon as the purchase button was pushed on Southwest.com. I get an email about a mandatory training that I have to go into the office for. SHIZ! Justin has tutor that night... good thing I have a lead foot. BOTH of my kids have spring concerts... on separate nights. Leighanna has viola lessons etc etc etc... the list goes on really. I don't think I've had to get dressed this much since I started working at home last summer. Crap stix... I hope I have clothes that fit because it's getting a bit to hot to wear sweatpants outside. Then again... I might be lucky to brush my hair this next week so I may not give two shits about what I'm wearing anyways.

I know, I know... all the single mama's out there are going "stop complaining you witch; its only a week". Believe me, I know I shouldn't complain. And I'm not really complaining, per say, just a "I'm dreading this" vent to help clear my mind.

Now I can go start my "to do" lists. I wonder if I can con Anthony into going grocery shopping before he leaves???

Happy Saturday!

More than D Mom...

"What do I stand for, what do I stand for,

most nights, I don't know, anymore...

~Some Nights by Fun

More than a DMom, AM I? Some days I don't know. Some days I feel like guilt and worry have taken over all of my being. They've consumed me. They have become my shadow.

After all, its not me that I will hurt if I screw this up. And even though I doubt he would ever place the blame on me, I would surly consume all of it.

I was 31 when Justin was dx'd. At the time I was the 1st VP(in charge of fundraising) for the PTA. I scrapbooked as a hobby and even made a little money doing it. I made all of my teachers gifts, I KNEW when teacher appreciation week was, I stayed on top of things(except maybe the laundry... I was never good at that), I had my shit together. I was lippy and spunky. I loved photography and always had my camera with me.


Today... I'm older than 31. I feel 41! I am still lippy, for sure, but I haven't touched a scrapbook in who knows how long. The only camera I carry is on my phone- in which I carry around by a death grip, ready to look up carb rates and communicate numbers. I have become really good at hiding emotions. I keep a straight face, even when my insides are screaming. I do this for Justin's sake. This burden is not for him to carry right now... he will have plenty of time for that later. I can see the toll this new life has taken on my face. I can see the worry in my eyes when I look in the mirror. I can assure you, as long as I live, that worry will be there whether I want it to be or not. 

Sometimes, I don't think people consider all the extras that come along with diabetes. Dealing with schools, strains on marriages, other children and friendships. Very few of us can say we didn't loose a friend or two through all of this. I understand that friendships come and go naturally at times, but when you are hurting over something so significant, so life altering... the pierce of loosing a friend hurts a whole lot more.

Some say that you should just do what you have to and move on. They say that I need to put "me" first. If you have the ability to do that... great! I certainly commend you, but I don't think that's a one size fits all solution. Some of us, choose to dive in head first and submerse ourselves in knowledge. Some choose advocacy as a way to give back or even cope. Some of us feel that by taking the burden for as long as we can will somehow help our children not burn out. And some of us have children, so young, that we don't have much option but living our life around all that D demands. It sucks, at times, but we choose to be that involved. We do this because we think, hope or pray that it will make a difference for their future. I, for one, don't feel that there is anything wrong with that.

But back to the question... Am I? Am I more that what I have become since D came into our lives 4 1/2 years ago? There was a time when my answer would have been no. There was a time when I was all alone. Lost. Swimming in numbers and medical supplies. However, time and new friendships have healed the open wounds. They are now scars; and though they may still be visible and sore... They are healing.

For me, going back to work has been both a blessing and a curse. On one hand it is my escape from the 24-7 that diabetes requires. I was forced to hand over some of the work load, which gives me a break, however, along with with handing it over, comes more guilt and more worry. Because I am not there.

Working also hinders being able to advocate for Justin's needs at school. More guilt. This has proven to be my most difficult challenge. The school, UGH! That is all I will say about that.

For me, working is a necessary inconvenience. Though I am grateful for my job, and I even like it, I didn't choose to go back to work. I wish I could have prolonged the inevitable a while longer, but D, that rotten, stinkin, no good, D... choose my fate for me. D is not cheep. Just another "extra" that comes along with diabetes.

Still the question remains...  Am I more than DMom? Sure! I am Justin's mom and Leighanna's mom. I am a work at home mom too. So I guess there is more mom to me than just D. It just seems that D is my most unruly of the bunch!



**This post is the brainchild of the uber awesome Hallie Addington, the “More than a D Mom” series. Posts will continue throughout this week and maybe even next week.

You can see Hallie's post from day one here.

And then be sure to check out the dangerously fabulous, Meri's post from day two here.

Up next, a DMom full of Candy Hearts, Wendy, will hosting the "More than A DMom" series. Be sure to pop on over tomorrow to read Wendy's take on things.

Finding time...

You’re writing the story of your life one moment at a time.

~Doc Childre and Howard Martin

 I was chatting with a friend tonight about all the different opportunities there are to get involved in the DOC. There are like 1 million Facebook groups(literally), twitter(which I suck at), chats, conferences, DSMA, JDRF etc...

Then I made a comment... "I NEED to get back into blogging; I can feel myself sinking".

For some time I have been saying "I need to start blogging again, but I just don't have time". Life as a working mom doesn't leave a whole lot of time for blogging. But ya know, this was my diary. Granted, there's no key to lock it up before I hide it under my bed; anyone can read it, but it is where I wrote about my fears and my victories. It's where I found help and friendship through a dark time. It's where I could be silly and be me.

I miss having that outlet and I can feel the weight pushing down on me with out it. That kind of scares the crap out of me - I never liked that dark place.